The Burden of Truth: How Much Is Too Much?

The other day, I was catching up with a single friend who shared about a recent blind date. While I was riveted by the play-by-play of their date’s past relationship struggles, I couldn’t help but put on my therapist hat and think, “That’s a lot of detail to share about an ex on a first date.”

Which got me thinking: How much vulnerability and transparency is appropriate, especially early on?

Like most things, it’s about balance. We want to present ourselves authentically and give others a glimpse into who we are. That way, everyone can assess compatibility. This applies to all types of relationships, not just romantic ones.

When we overshare, the other person may not have the context to fully understand us. This can lead to discomfort, misunderstanding, or even ghosting.
When we undershare, we risk staying stuck in surface-level connections that lack depth and genuine connection.

So, how do you figure out what’s appropriate to share—and when? I’ve compiled the following questions to serve as guide:

1. If this story ended up on online, how would I feel?

You don’t know this person well enough yet to know if they’re trustworthy or if they’re a gossip. If your gut says, “I wouldn’t want that public,” ask yourself why.
Is it shame?

If that’s the case, it may be time to explore where that shame comes from. It's difficult to form meaningful connections when you're still rejecting parts of yourself. That doesn’t mean you need to share every detail of your past, especially if those parts no longer reflect who you are. But it does suggest an opportunity for healing. Therapy can be a powerful tool for building self-acceptance and deeper connection within yourself, which creates a stronger foundation for connection with others.

2. What purpose does sharing this serve?

Does it benefit you, them, both, or neither?

If it benefits neither of you, skip it. Vulnerability should support connection, not act as emotional unloading.

3. Does it reflect your values?

Your values are central to who you are. If you can’t share them with the person in front of you, ask yourself, Is this really someone I want to connect with?

On the other hand, if what you’re sharing doesn’t align with your current values, it may not be authentic or necessary to disclose.

4. Are you being clear about what you’re looking for?

Don’t wait to say it. Time is limited. Be upfront about your intentions and the kind of connection you’re seeking and available for.

Final Thoughts

Vulnerability isn’t about telling everyone everything. It’s about intentionally revealing who you are in ways that foster trust and connection. The truth doesn’t have to be a burden.
When shared with purpose, it can actually set you free.

At Intentional Wellness, we specialize in helping you build the skills to navigate relationships and the tools to repair after conflict. How can we support your relationship goals?