Self-Advocacy: Choosing Battles, Finding Peace

When you hear the word “advocate,” what kind of feeling does it evoke? Do you feel empowered and hopeful, or do you lean more toward dread and reluctance?

We live in a world where the rules and policies don’t always make sense. For instance, we went camping the other week and had chosen a particular campground because each campsite had grass, which is a luxury in the desert! Upon check-in, we were promptly advised that dogs were not allowed to use the grass for any “business.” Seriously? We drove hours for a weekend getaway, and now we had to prevent our dogs from peeing on the grass two feet away from our camper?

Did I advocate for my position and express how asinine I thought their policy was? No, I did not. And the reason I didn’t is because I’m learning (albeit slowly) that I need to pick and choose my battles.

I’m a recovering people-pleaser who, not that long ago, would suffer through a brutally painful massage out of fear I might offend the masseuse. Now that I understand Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a therapeutic approach that helps us identify and work with different “parts” of ourselves—I recognize that I had a strong protective part that wanted to avoid emotional discomfort, which might feel worse than the physical discomfort I was experiencing.

As I began speaking up, my reactive, or “firefighter,” part was awakened. I started fighting every battle that came my way because I thought I needed to advocate for myself and be a strong voice for justice and fairness. That burned me out quickly, and I started to cringe at the word “advocate.”

So, I challenge you to look around at your personal battlefield and explore how your protective parts are showing up. Where do you need to speak up and advocate for yourself more? And where could you cool your jets a bit and let some transgressions slide?

I also want to offer this: if you’re in a position to help someone who’s struggling to advocate for themselves in a worthwhile cause, please do so. Show them you hear them and understand their struggle. Bend a small policy or two out of kindness. Maybe even let their dog pee on your lawn. Or simply empathize with the frustration of ridiculous policies, whether or not you can do anything about them.

If you’d like to learn more about how some parts keep us stuck in the name of protection, I’d love to share how I work with clients to get better acquainted with all parts of themselves and begin to self-advocate in a more healthy and appropriate way.