The Ick Factor
Is It Real?
I may be a bit late to the party, but I just finished watching the Netflix show Nobody Wants This, and it made me reflect on something many of us have experienced: the "ick factor." If you haven’t seen it yet, the show is a great example of what happens when two different attachment styles try to date. In one episode, the main character starts to feel like she’s caught the ick from a guy she was once head over heels for. This got me thinking— is the “ick factor” a real thing?
Understanding the "Ick Factor" in Relationships
I can certainly relate to experiencing the ick in past relationships. To clarify, the ick isn’t related to major issues like abuse or betrayal; instead, it’s often triggered by something small, seemingly silly, or even insignificant. It’s the type of thing that others might dismiss as ridiculous, but when you feel it, it’s hard to ignore. The ick can vary from person to person and even from relationship to relationship, so it’s not something you can necessarily predict or prepare for.
What Causes the "Ick Factor"?
In Nobody Wants This, the character’s ick was triggered when the guy wore a blazer (he insisted it was a sport coat) over a hoodie and showed up with a massive bouquet of flowers to meet her parents. On the surface, these things might not seem like relationship dealbreakers, but for her, something about his presentation made her feel uncomfortable. I would argue that something about the situation triggered discomfort in her nervous system, leading her to use a default coping mechanism: avoidance. Her response was essentially, "This feels icky, so I’m shutting it down." While this is a natural reaction for some, it also prevents the other person from explaining themselves or revealing why their behavior may have seemed odd.
Is the "Ick Factor" a Sign of a Bigger Problem?
The ick can sometimes be a sign that something isn't working in a relationship, but it isn’t always a clear red flag. Instead, it can be an invitation to explore why we feel this way. Our nervous system may be reacting to something beneath the surface that is signaling us to be on high alert. That’s our nervous system’s job— to detect threats and respond accordingly to keep us safe. Instead of running from the situation or feeling, it’s important to get curious and examine the underlying cause. This approach can lead to more meaningful insights into your relationships and your emotional responses.
Connection: The Key to Healthy Relationships
Building genuine, safe connections is vital for a healthy and fulfilling life. The ick factor can act as a barrier to this connection, but it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. When we approach the ick with curiosity, we may uncover deeper layers of our emotional experiences. By exploring these feelings, we can foster a better understanding of ourselves and how we connect with others. This exploration can lead to stronger relationships— and possibly even love.
If you’re interested in learning more about how your mind and body respond in these types of scenarios, I’d be happy to help. Schedule a consultation today to dive deeper into understanding the dynamics of attachment styles, emotional triggers, and nervous system regulation.
Journal Prompts: Making it Personal
When have I felt the “ick” in relationships?
Was it a true red flag or something else I can get curious about?
